Today I hit that wall again- even more hard. It was physical and spiritual, yet not mental. Thankfully I’ve had wonderful counselling in recent years that’s helped me to cope and “hold it all together”.
As many of you know, in the nineties I had a major vehicular
accident involving several automobiles which resulted in a very serious head injury. In 2011 I
was in a trainwreck. Once I recovered (now when I say “recovered” I mean functioning
enough to look normal on the outside) I became hyper-social. On top of raising
children into young adulthood, I joined book clubs, hiking groups, maintained
jobs (and I will admit they were part time for a school district, subbing in
several capacities from teaching, aiding in resource and lunch-lady duties) and
I wrote books.
Several years ago, my family and I downsized and moved home to Michigan to a log cabin. I have chickens, rabbits, fruit trees, berry bushes and a vegetable garden. I love the sound of birdsong and the feel of the wind on my face as it gently whispers through the trees. The woods give me a sense of calm. I need that peace because I work at a mental health clinic, part time, and put on a happy face for our clients, many of which I’ve grown fond of. I type transcripts, make appointments, file, and say silent prayers for several of the patients. Many share their stories. Many do not. Some I know personally. I come home mentally exhausted.
Last week, I sat at the dinner table and blurted, “I am so, so tired!”
My youngest daughter set her jaw and rolled her eyes. My husband asked what I had to be tired for. I answered, “I was at work today. Yes, I know that it is only part time, but it was work. I get up, feed our animals, get ready for work, dress professionally like a modern-day Jennifer Marlowe, figure out a new route to work several times a month because one road or another is closed, I feel our clients’ palpable emotions in our waiting room, make executive decisions, drive home, change clothes, feed and water the animals again, tend to our garden, exercise and lift weights, do scripture study and art, play the piano, decorate our home for each and every season, cook many meals from scratch, tend the garden, fertilize the flowers and trees, weeding, see our grandchildren sometimes, go out with my ladies’ groups to socialize, do yoga on Fridays, Bible study group, brush the animals, clean the hutches and coop, find time to do my nails after those cages are clean, drive my senior friends to events, hospitals, emergencies, appointments, volunteer to do their shopping, do our budget, make sure the bills are paid, go to church, walk our dog and go to our service-animal training together, write books and stories, proofread, edit, my vision is becoming more blurry every week so those tasks are getting more difficult, go shopping, pick up milk in between shopping trips because, well, it seems like nobody else can do that even when it’s down to the bottom of the carton, shower, shave my legs, all while I’m in pain, aching, stiff and crying on the inside. I drive to my on-going physical therapy appointments or my body could lock up. On top of that my physician left his practice, my therapist moved on to be a school counsellor and my dentist is retiring. So now I get to seek out another mental-health provider, switch dentists, find a new doctor and hope that they are actually accepting new patients and then hope and pray that these businesses actually accept my insurance! All while looking good and keeping my husband happy!”
(If it was difficult reading those run-on sentences, just think how breathless I was after saying all that!)
My sweetheart countered with, “I’ve worked full time for
nearly forty years, I vacuum upstairs and do my own laundry.”
I acknowledged that. (I will add, he cut the grass three
times this year.) I’d asked him to maintain his man-loft upstairs when I
started working again: first at a senior citizen home as their activities
coordinator and most recently at the mental health office. I love my job, and
the paycheck helps with the never-ending medical bills and their co-pays. I
could do all the laundry, but my lover kindly volunteered to do it. Before
long, I asked him not to wash my delicates because they were becoming shrunken,
damaged and unwearable.
My husband told me, then, that I was choosing to be a grumpy
old woman. I silently vowed to be more pleasant around him, even though our conversations
center around politics and the world’s problems. I’d rather get compliments on
my cooking or talk about something sweet and romantic with my man, but these
are the things he chooses to talk about during our precious moments together. I
smile, until he himself gets all grumped up and then I just lose my patience.
Yes, my choice. I should counter with gentle words, but by then I am burnt out
and looking for a soft place to land.
Yes, I’ve been living a very Proverbs 31 existence, with the
only exception being that if anyone asked me to rise before dawn, at 6 am, in my dream-state, I’d
probably hurt them every way my zombie-like body could manage. I’ve really been
rocking verses 10 through 31, specifically, and looking good while doing it. I’ve
been a river, flowing into the big lake, peacefully flowing along, giving…giving.
All the while my currents were churning beneath the surface; deadly and silent.
This week, even after physical therapy, my neck was stiff. I
cancelled my yoga date with one of my best friends today and just sat in my recliner,
with a cup of warm cherry-chocolate coffee in my hands. I contemplated, lost in my own
thoughts, hearing the never-ending screeching in my ears that sounds like I’m
sharing a wall with a machine shop. Without warning, above the ringing, I heard
the words, “I’m concerned about you.” It was external and at the same time,
internal. Was it my own exhausted brain telling me something? Was it an
ancestor reaching out to guide me? Was it the Holy Ghost? The verse from Psalms
chapter 46 verse 10 came to my mind:
“Be still, and know that I am God.”
It’s time that I listened.
It’s time to embrace. . .stillness.
#Stillness #BibleStudy #BreakDown #HyperSocial #Tired #PTSD #Accidents #ManitowenPress #Exhaustion #SmallFarmLife #Volunteer #VolunterBurnOut