A young woman in my community said that this would be her
very first Black Friday. Other than the news footage of shopping forays gone
horribly bad, Trina didn’t know what to expect at the many stores she planned
to go to. She said she felt so dumb having to ask. I told her with all honesty of heart, “You're
not dumb.” (It is a fair question. Everyone needs to experience Black Friday at
least one time; like the mumps or Swine Flu.)
I warned her that dealing with
these crowds might cause her to detest human kind. This poor excuse for a
neo-tradition is not designed for peace on earth, good will 'tward men. It's
madness second only to rabid dingoes in a feeding frenzy. My new tradition is
to have a hot cup of cocoa as I gently stroke the keys of my computer, ordering
stuff from WayFair, or going to Small Business Saturday.
“Honey, if you must
face Black Friday, teamwork is essential. Make a list. There are too many opportunities
for impulse buys. One of you needs to push the cart. She needs to stand by that
cart and watch the team members’ purses a short distance from the crowd. Send
someone strong to get the larger items such as TVs. Take snacks and water. Plan
to have lunch. Most important, don't stand too close to people in line.” I
further explained that I was at a Cabela’s many years ago, waiting for a
register, when a gargoyle in front of me turned around in a rage, eyes bulging
and screamed, "GIVE ME SOME FN SPACE, LADY!" I had a bundle of
jackets or something in my arms, about three feet from her. That was my last
Black Friday.
